2023 Q3 | Edition 3 | Article 2
For every action there is an opposite reaction
Very few solutions in life come with only benefits. Event the term ‘win-win’ symbolises not that there are only benefits for both parties, but that we reach a stable place in the negotiations where we are both happy and dissatisfied in almost equal proportions.
You might crave the stereotype love interest in your life, the handsome and wealthy person, but there is always the risk that a person with those qualities may also be arrogant and entitled. It’s difficult for anyone to go through life with a favoured and praised set of features and still maintain a modest sense of who you are in the world.
You might want someone who shows integrity and is consistent in their dealings with you. But then don’t be surprised if they’re also stubborn about changing their minds and inflexible when you want to get out of a dinner date you committed to but now don’t want to attend.
Many of the qualities that we crave in two dimensional representations that we see in the media will, in real life, come with obvious side effects. A gorgeous beauty probably spends a fair part of her budget and time on fashion, beauty products and treatments at the salon. If you pick a girl for her looks, don’t be surprised a few years later when a large part of your family budget is expected to be spent on her looks.
The art of compromising well
When looking at something we desire, it is worth stepping back and working out the side effects that may come with that solution. We might want to achieve financial freedom by the age of 40 but perhaps spending our healthiest and most sociable years on the sole pursuit of wealth is a price we’re unwilling to pay. We might want that promotion, but the longer hours may destroy the little free time we currently enjoy. We might choose our partner for their relaxed and free spirit and the fun and adventure that we had with them in the early days, but then get infuriated when that same person proves unreliable when we need them.
When the darker nature of people around us inevitable becomes clear, one thing can be tempting above all others – we should blame the other person and feel smug that they must change. We perhaps should take better stock of what we really want in another person, and what we’re prepared to give up and tolerate to get those qualities that we desire. This doesn’t mean that we must put up with anything we don’t feel comfortable. Just that we start to get our expectations a little more in perspective. The person we are dealing with is imperfect just like we are.
Deviation towards the mean
Most situations deviate towards the mean over time, and that often goes for people as well. Many of us peak in our late teens and twenties at the extreme end of our personalities. The outrageous clothing we wear to wild festivals while we look for a friend we think we lost some time before lunch, we’re not sure - all of that gives way eventually to settled conformity for most of us. Soon enough, our strong opinions will be confined to how good our new air fryer is, or views on how to discipline the dog. The longer we wait, the more commonplace and average we tend to become. That’s not necessarily a cause for concern. We drift in that direction because many people find a happy medium lies away from the extremes.
When faced with challenging qualities in a person we otherwise rather like, it’s easy to resort to blame and resentment. We might remember that we probably specifically sought out a person with that very side effect to their nature, we just didn’t realise it at the time. If our special person has just the right balance of good qualities, we might consider whether we’d be willing to sacrifice the good for the bad, and perhaps list the flip sides of our personalities that they inevitably have to put up with in us, too.
Motivated reasoning
When we use data driven insights, we can be tempted to feel that we have removed our personal desires from the process. That is far from the case, but a few simple steps can help us to uncover our own investments in the outcomes of our work.
